AFTER nine weeks of what can only be described as purgatory, I still have not moved into my new home.

I walk into a calamity every time I walk through the front porch, which is entirely my fault as early-on in its "renovation" I jokingly told the builder never to ring me with problems.

He has taken this literally and so never rings me at all.

Worse is that when I was in my teens, idealistic, romantic and passionate, I was a super-fan of Billy Bragg.

My favourite line was "No man has any right to buy and sell the earth for private gain".

Yet within ten days of buying this house, the words - get off my land - have actually tumbled from my lips. Oh the irony.

So now I am up there most days waiting for the day when I will have heat and water and when I am not tending the house I am at the yard, basically skivvying after the Teen and her horse.

Only yesterday I unknowingly arrived at work with straw in my hair

I have spent more days make-up free than ever before (yes, I look grotesque).

And I have learnt very quickly that my clothes, my car and my bank balance are wholly inappropriate for the conditions.

And there is NO phone reception.

I have had three tyre blow outs because I spend more time driving on gravel than tarmac.

To cheer myself up I decided to find a cheap alternative to a spa, so imagine my delight after stumbling upon a hotel complete with swimming pool and sauna - perfect to wash away the dust.

Imagine my horror when the proprietor told me I could only use their tiny pool if I become a member........to the tune of £1,000 per year. Sob.

Needless to say I haven't joined - I would have to go swimming every day to make it worth my while and I have no intention of triathlon training and anyway the pool was so small, it could only fit the likes of Tom Thumb or the seven dwarfs if it became a little busier - which it won't because it's too expensive.

So I headed to another popular destination only to find that I was surrounded by seven-year-old pirates.

I could not swim in peace because I was being bombed by Blackbeard. Grrr.

Instead I am spending my 12 seconds of free time each day visualising the happy days when I am settled into my new home and have won the Lottery.