AT the moment I feel like all I do is drown in housework and cleaning.
I am tempted to sell everything I own and become a bag lady.
In my life before children I was a bag lady of a different sort, as I travelled around Europe and the UK with everything I needed tightly packed in my rucksack.
It was sofa surfing before the phrase had been coined.
Now, of course, I am laden with stuff that 41 years of life, 14 years of marriage and two children has accumulated and, funnily enough, that stuff never seems to stay where you put it.
I have so much stuff that needs constantly cleaning and tidying. Plus two children who keep growing and changing and requiring more stuff.
My ex has finally moved out of his military quarter into the officer’s mess.
In order to leave a military quarter it is mandatory to ensure that it is left in a condition that meets the highest of military standards.
There is a list as long as your arm, maybe your leg as well, and even a DVD to demonstrate what needs to be done.
There are many ways to ‘march out clean’.
You can walk out of the quarter untouched and Defence Estates, those who oversee the military quarters, will clean the property for you.
They will charge a sizeable price for the luxury, but you are guaranteed to pass.
Or you can contact a cleaning company recommended by Defence Estates and they will clean for you, also with a guaranteed pass, but again this is not cheap.
Or you can take responsibility for your own ‘march out clean’ and get on your hands and knees to scrub-a-dub-dub.
This costs only your time but there is a gamble - if you don’t clean to standard you may fail the ‘march out’ and have to pay anyway.
The most stringent elements of the clean are the walls, the carpets and the oven. These must be as good as new, cleaned to within an inch of their life.
There is a little trick that I can share with you. In holes in the wall where pictures have hung, use toothpaste as filler and then touch up with a magnolia vinyl finish tester paint pot. The rest is just damn hard graft.
I have ‘marched out’ of four quarters now, so I am fully aware of the expectations of those who inspect at the end.
My first ever ‘march out’ clean as a newlywed wife was under the scrutiny of a white glove-wearing she-devil.
Needless to say I failed the ‘march out’ as she opened the windows and gleefully wiped her white gloves along the inside of the seal only to reveal a spec of dirt.
“Off with her head,” she declared, and into deep cleaning purgatory I was sent.
But now as an old hand, I knew what I’m up against and despite the damage to the environment, if you don’t want to be charged the earth by Defence Estates, bleach is your biggest ally.
Sorry planet – it’s bicarb of soda, lemon juice and vinegar from now on, I promise.
It is with great delight I am pleased to report that we passed our ‘march out’ clean and that it will be the last one I ever do as I put a life living in military quarters completely behind us.
Onwards and upwards.
l Writer and journalist Clare Macnaughton’s latest book is available on Amazon worldwide.
A Modern Military Mother – Tales from the Domestic Frontline is an honest account of decade of being married to an RAF officer serving in the British military.
Follow Clare on twitter: @amodmilitarymum. Blog: amodernmilitarymother.com
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